Expectations: Part 1
Expectations are the mother of all screw-ups. This is true in many aspects of life, including sports. There is a vast difference between being confident about winning and expecting to win. Confidence is fluid; in the moment, it allows for applying skill while in motion or process. Expectations are outcome focused. There are too many variables between the start and finish that we don’t control. And when we focus only on the results, we miss some crucial cues along the way that would otherwise guide us to adjust. Don’t get me wrong. It is reasonable to expect a proven team or an athlete to win when they enter a competitive field. However, expectations can be detrimental to athletes on a personal level if they lack the foundation to handle them appropriately.
Expectations are probably the most challenging things for athletes of all levels to deal with. Most of us start playing sports because our friends do so, or our parents sign us up when we’re kids to burn off some energy, have some structure and make friends. We continue playing our sports because we’ve built relationships, learned the rules of the game, and played and learning the sport is fun. Somewhere along the way (and it seems to be getting younger and younger), there is a delineation between players with “talent” and real potential and the rest of the kids. Once this is identified, these children are quickly shuttled off to “better” teams: club teams, camps, accelerated programs, etc. They are told they are unique, different, and more talented. Most of the time, developmentally, these well-intentioned comments fall on deaf ears (or so we think). Maybe they win awards at the end of the season, trophies, and acknowledgments for their “specialness.” The child knows they are having fun, and this game seems to come quickly to them for whatever reason. And it feels good to be recognized and seen by others. So, they climb, move up levels and play up a birth year or two. Often, all the while garnering attention from parents, coaches, trainers, other athletes, etc., as a great athlete, a great talent, and a great ball player. These seemingly harmless accolades, however, are expectations shrouded in the cloak of what we call encouragement.
At some point, and this is different for everyone, there comes a time when this athlete realizes and begins to recognize there is, in fact, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but it’s too late. These expectations have become internalized, and their weight rests firmly on the shoulders of the athlete. In due time, and seemingly without warning, the athlete begins to “underperform” or not meet expectations. Something’s wrong. “This used to be so easy.” “Why am I not making my shots?” “Why am I messing up so much?” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m not as good as everyone thought or as good as I thought I was.” “I’M LETTING EVERYONE DOWN.”
This internal monologue begins to circulate and often takes on a life of its own as it becomes patterned thinking. As a parent, if we were privy to these thoughts inside our child’s head, we’d be horrified. And we’d quickly grab them, hug them close, and say, “everything will be ok.“ This sport is what you do, NOT who you are.” Where was this message as they were growing into their sport?
By the time an athlete arrives in my office, they are often really struggling internally, and something of concern has brought them in. Either a coach or a parent has observed that they are “too much in their head” or “they can’t let go of mistakes,” they are anxious or exhibiting signs of depression, they can’t maintain composure, etc. Some can articulate what they are feeling and exactly where they are struggling, and others have a much more difficult time grappling with conflicting feelings about who they are, who they want to be, and what they think everyone else wants for them or expects of them. My job is to simplify things and give them tools for application in their competitive world that releases them of the weight of expectations. Sounds simple enough. Sometimes, it is. Often athletes are relieved to have a tangible means of quieting their busy minds and a path to get back to enjoying their sport.
In some cases, there is still much work to be done. Athletes that eventually compete at a high level most often have inherent talent and/or athleticism. However, one truth holds. The higher you achieve and compete, the smaller the talent margin. Everyone is talented, athletic, or has some genetic profile that lends itself to success in a given sport (height or build, for example). So, the question becomes, what now will set you apart from your peers? The difference-maker is what’s between the ears. It’s the ONLY answer. And if what’s there has been contaminated by the pollution of expectations, the athlete will have a tough time excelling in their sport or staying motivated to do so. Expectations, the symbolic “result” of something, are NOT in a person’s control and can genuinely prevent the athlete from being present and in the moment. Pitching a shut-out, getting a college scholarship, making the McDonald’s all-American team, and playing a sport professionally are all outcomes that hinge on multiple variables. These are all prominent examples of expectations, but more subtle expectations can also muddy the water for athletes. Athletes often expect perfection from themselves because they internalize a belief that others have for them, and because it is not their own, it is very black and white with little room for error. The weight of these thoughts is like playing with sopping wet towels draped over your shoulders. When parents and coaches begin to see how hard the athlete is on themselves, they will rightly say, “we don’t expect you to be perfect or not make mistakes.” But it’s often too late because the belief pattern has already developed for the athlete and, in some cases, was hard-wired. So, it takes little outside influence to establish a maladaptive thinking pattern such as perfectionism. And it takes a lot of hard work, time, and intentionality to rewire those patterns.
Expectations are natural and common human experiences. And they are amplified and hyperbolic in a world-circling around social media. Youth sports, however, have a unique and privileged opportunity to teach and train young athletes the skills of mental resilience. It starts with being very intentional with the words we use, the encouragement we give, and how we build up the confidence in young athletes that they are, in fact, more than “what they do.” Sports offers an incredible platform for developing the whole person. We can develop leadership qualities, cooperation, collaboration, drive, perseverance, inner strength, confidence, responsibility, and on and on and on. However, we also have a responsibility to help our athletes develop perspective. And this is probably the most critical thing that we can instill.
Perspective teaches us there are things you can control and cannot control. Naming and identifying that for young athletes is critical. Then, teaching them the tools to take care of business and that which is in their control is equally important. This is followed by the understanding of the power of their own choices. Kids often don’t feel like they have many choices. Adults constantly tell them where to go, what to do, and how to do it. But sports offer a beautiful space for young people to learn that every day no matter what they are doing (on and off the competitive floor), they have choices: choices about how they will show up, their attitude, their effort, their preparation, their body language, etc. This is real power!
The athlete needs to be able to make observations such as “when I had the ball, “so and so” beat me on defense” (for example). Now I get to decide, “am I ok with that”? If yes, cool. Keep doing what you’re doing and know that you may not play against that player when they are in… coaches’ decision. *Every choice has a consequence.
If the answer is “no, I’m not ok with getting beat on defense,” the question becomes, “What are you going to do about it?”.
The answer: work on my speed, work on my footwork, do defensive drills, practice keeping my hands up, work on body positioning, get in the gym and work on strength, watch videos of good defense, practice imagery of what great defense would look and feel like in my body, watch videos of me on D to see what I need to work on, develop a self-statement that cues me up for strong. The options of what is potentially in the athlete’s control are endless, yet we often neglect to turn that “choice” over to them.
Parents and coaches can’t want success for a player more than the player wants it for themselves. And if the player adopts a “want to succeed” either knowingly or unknowingly because of others’ expectations, it is just a matter of time before the sport weeds them out. Some will even arrive at the highest level of competition without knowing how they got there, and this is a dangerous place to be in.
This is where we see many anxiety and mental health concerns surface. At first glance, you can track a trajectory of performance and work that has led them to this point. In truth, the athlete has been gifted with talent and the genetics to get them to this level, but they haven’t learned the critical skills of working hard and developing mental resilience. Their sport has come easily for the most part. They don’t know why and they likely won’t admit it. This happens in academics, as well. Gifted children seemingly skate through primary and secondary school, taking all advanced classes until they suddenly arrive confronted by the one subject, class, or situation where they don’t just “get it.” This is where the wheels fall off.
These gifted athletes will tell you they’ve worked hard and sacrificed to get to where they are, which is likely accurate. Still, their natural ability has propelled them beyond what the average person is capable of. They find themselves in this very elite position which is excellent while you’re winning but can be devastating when you’re not. Everyone expects you to lead your team to victory, be the leading scorer every night, and produce consistently on the stat sheet. What occurs when that doesn’t happen is nothing short of imposter syndrome. An athlete that hasn’t learned fundamental tools and strong psychological skills will flounder and ultimately suffer. They begin to doubt themselves, but it’s often too painful to admit because that would expose the fact that they are not the superhero everyone thought and expected them to be. These athletes shroud themselves in bravado but fail to perform consistently. They may blame others or deflect responsibility and ownership because they genuinely lack the skill and any idea about how to right the ship. The occasional glimmers of their athletic prowess and brilliance are enough to keep their façade up and “protect” them from the threat of discovery. It’s enough to confound their coaches and teammates but keeps them hopeful that the kinks will somehow be worked out and the star athlete will resume their place on the throne. This is a very isolated and painful place for an athlete to find themselves, and it is a prison of expectations that keeps them there. As young adults now competing at an elite level of their sport, these athletes may find it very difficult to seek the resources that could help them move beyond their inhibited development. All is not lost, but they can be among the most challenging athletes on your team. There is a tremendous amount at stake for them to risk the vulnerability required to grow. It will only have a chance to take place within the team that offers a safe forum and takes the time to develop trust among the group and with the individuals. This can be done through coaches, trainers, mental performance staff, etc., and in various creative ways in both group and individual settings, but it won’t happen overnight.
Still, much to be learned from the word “expectations.” For the athletes, focus on what’s in front of them. Control what you can control and use your resources (mental and physical) to support your efforts and maximize your development. To the coaches and parents of youth athletes: Reward effort and teach values around qualities and characteristics that your child can build upon and draw from, whether they go on to play at higher levels of the sport or not. To the coaches of elite athletes (college pros), recognize the type of athletes you have in front of you. They are not all the same. Some may be carrying more significant weight than others. You can teach them simple tools in real-time to help them set burdens aside and mentally remain present when you need them the most. Starting with what’s simple and applicable may be the most straightforward invitation to the more significant work that needs to be done.
Sports happen in the present, but confidence comes from evidence. Help your athletes to anchor themselves to the faith in their already proven ability, develop their gratitude and humility with perspective, and help them let go of expectations to stay in the moment. The outcomes will take care of themselves.
